RandomArceus (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
randomarceus) wrote2025-06-30 12:51 pm
randomarceus) wrote2025-06-30 12:51 pm
(Almost) That Time Again
Every single year, when I see Art Fight approach, I tell myself I should do it, actually this time, for real this time, and then I don't. I'm coming to realise that I never wanted to do it at all. I think I just wanted to be a part of that Cool Art Thing it felt like everybody else was doing.
I've been thinking a bit about my relationship to my art lately. Or, more specifically, my art's relationship to me. I've never wanted to be an "artist", not the "proper" kind, not somebody who studies anatomy and shading and life and color and tries to nail it down. I just draw what I like. I'm not trying to be the best of the best, but yet sometimes I see posts from people who are younger than me and yet so much better, and it almost makes it feel like a competition again. Like "how can I say I draw well when this 14 y/o on the other side of the world who doesn't even know I exist is drawing Genuine Masterpieces?" every single time. I can say that I don't want to be the best, I can say it forever, but I think I have some issues to sort out that don't quite make that true yet.
I, at least right now, create for a niche. I like my niche. I'm comfortable in my niche. I've always been a guy drawn to weird fandom niches. But sometimes my "niches" would still get me pretty good attention, because they were a small chunk in a big fandom, but my current niche is a small chunk in a small fandom. It gets me muddled up sometimes-- "do people not care because they're not interested in the content, or because I'm really bad at what I do?". And I know it's the first one, but my brain loves to tell me I need to Do More Get Better Because So Many Are Better Than Me, and comparison is the thief of joy, but it's like I'm wired to just keep comparing no matter what and it's exhausting. To compare myself to others. To compare big fandoms to small. This to that. Everything to everyone. Perfection to imperfection. Something that needs to change.
I've been thinking a bit about my relationship to my art lately. Or, more specifically, my art's relationship to me. I've never wanted to be an "artist", not the "proper" kind, not somebody who studies anatomy and shading and life and color and tries to nail it down. I just draw what I like. I'm not trying to be the best of the best, but yet sometimes I see posts from people who are younger than me and yet so much better, and it almost makes it feel like a competition again. Like "how can I say I draw well when this 14 y/o on the other side of the world who doesn't even know I exist is drawing Genuine Masterpieces?" every single time. I can say that I don't want to be the best, I can say it forever, but I think I have some issues to sort out that don't quite make that true yet.
I, at least right now, create for a niche. I like my niche. I'm comfortable in my niche. I've always been a guy drawn to weird fandom niches. But sometimes my "niches" would still get me pretty good attention, because they were a small chunk in a big fandom, but my current niche is a small chunk in a small fandom. It gets me muddled up sometimes-- "do people not care because they're not interested in the content, or because I'm really bad at what I do?". And I know it's the first one, but my brain loves to tell me I need to Do More Get Better Because So Many Are Better Than Me, and comparison is the thief of joy, but it's like I'm wired to just keep comparing no matter what and it's exhausting. To compare myself to others. To compare big fandoms to small. This to that. Everything to everyone. Perfection to imperfection. Something that needs to change.